15 ways we're all insufferable on social media
This article is a sassy – but lighthearted! – critique on our social media behavior and personas. I poke fun of everyone on social media, including myself because let’s face it: we are all self-absorbed narcissists who have insufferable tendencies on the ‘gram and all the other social channels. I hope you can identify some of your patterns and laugh at yourself :)
1. Cryptic profound captions
Probably intended for exes and old flames to decode but unfortunately these bygone lovers no longer stalk our profiles and feeds. Sigh. Hell, some of them may have unfollowed us (LOL). They clearly lost interest a loooong time ago, honey. Get over it.
2. Wannabe mystical content
Worse than captions that make you scratch your head are posts in which people are deluded and think they are Buddha, Alan Watts or some mystic Guru spewing wisdom to the world. Sometimes I read these posts that are obviously meant to be incredibly deep and compelling but that simply illicit an aggressive vomit reflex from me. Darlings, stop preaching concepts you don't even truly comprehend! If you actually adhered to and embodied these ideals, you’d naturally exude them rather than preach to followers with hypersensitive bullshit detectors.
3. Social media detoxes
These people are the worst! First of all, we don’t even notice that they’re gone from our beautifully – and highly edited and filtered (obvi!) – curated feeds, then they return and report their unsolicited reflections and findings on our toxic black mirror lifestyles. Listen, ya’ll go connect with your inner selves while us shameless social media addicts continue to compare our interiors with others’ exteriors! No, really, good for you but we don’t care about what you learned, especially if you’ve written a long (bad) novel about it. Speaking of which…
4. Unnecessarily lengthy essays
Unless you’re a Pulitzer Prize winner, chances are the world can do away with your longform musings on social media, *especially* if your preferred social channel is the ‘gram. Newsflash: Insta is intended to be a visual platform with captions providing some context, not the entire stream of consciousness inner monologue that you experienced at the time the damn photo was taken! You’re not Jack Kerouac, kay?
5. Distilling our essence in 150 IG characters
We live in a world in which our virtual profiles serve as a type of social business card. So instead of our company and job position, we attempt to sum up the essence of who we are in 150 characters. Forget nuance and complexity to our identities. According to my IG profile, I’m a freelance writer, blogger and wanderer *eyeroll*. Other people are gypsies and aliens and digital nomads. Who/what are you?
6. Actively trying to become an influencer
The sheer effort and energy that goes into trying to establish a micro influencer personal brand (10K followers are the minimum to qualify, FYI) on Instagram brings to mind Gudetama and feelings of never wanting to leave my bed. I hate to break it to these people, but: Honey, these things happen a bit more organically and effortlessly. If you have to work this hard to get 20 followers or whatever, is it really worth it?
7. Boring stories
We do not need to watch 10 clips of that dope concert or festival you are at. The quality is usually shit and the video cannot convey the energy and what you’re feeling. Crazy thought: how about you try to just enjoy the present and take a mental photo/video of the concert instead?! But if you cannot help yourself, fine, give us 2 short videos, max 3 of your Pitchfork experience.
8. Pseudo life coaches
I know I’m in for a treat when I’m browsing through my stories and I come across vlog style selfie videos of people waxing poetic about life and its tribulations and lessons and whatnot. Sometimes it’s really good but most times is just BAD. Please stop. Literally nobody cares and we’re mostly skipping through your Tony Robbins-esque motivating speech anyway. Videos of puppies and pristine beaches are great though!
9. Happy public service announcements
My eyes roll so hard when I’m scrolling and come across obnoxious people declaring and announcing they love their lives and are so happy and blessed! This is not because I’m salty or jealous. I’m an overall quite optimist person but the problem is that for some reason these people feel the need to constantly remind us all of how utterly overjoyed and in love they are with their existences. Why?! I find it quite suspicious is all.
10. Corny engagement photos
Just like most prom photos are cringe-worthy bad, so are engagement photo shoots. Probably because they’re forced and the poses are usually so cheesy. I do want to see your engagement ring and think to myself how ugly it is, but can you get a bit more creative with your photography direction? Thanks, bai!
11. Relentless content creators
I’m 100% guilty of this one. This is the “creatives” who produce constant output and would really love your view, read, like, comment and share on said creations. Unfortunately, we all have the attention span of a toddler when we’re online so there just isn’t enough time *ahem interest* in your content. Sorry!
12. Fitness journeys
Ugh. Listen, it’s so great you lead a healthy lifestyle and work out. I actually consider myself a health aficionado who exercises frequently and eats decently and religiously drinks kombucha. But do I feel the need to bore my friends and fam and fans to tears with my routine and mundane habits? No! And neither should you. Unless, of course, you’re some type of Insta famous fitness person, model or a professional athlete. Before and after photos of your progress are cool, but we do not need to know how often you go to the gym/studio and what you do once you’re there.
13. Travel content overload
We get it. You’re excited you’re in Paris or Phuket but we do not need 100 photos of your weeklong stay. I say go crazy with the stories – show us your holiday from beginning to end but whatever you do, don’t overload us with the photos! Remember that our social media selves are highly curated, filtered, highlight reels of our lives! So give us glossy glimpses into your vacation (omit the bad parts) and leave space for us to fill in the gaps with our imagination and projections.
14. Stalking our exes
Why is it so hard to let go? If you’re like me, a hopeless sentimental and melancholic romantic, then you spend too much time mourning what could have been. And so when an ex that you thought you were totally over randomly likes or comments on your pic – or slides into your DM’s! – your entire world is thrown off its axis as you furiously attempt to make sense and assign meaning to the interaction. In my experience, it means absolutely NOTHING. The dude was probably bored scrolling endlessly and your photo came up, he liked it, then he continued scrolling and liking pics of other exes. That’s it. But this doesn’t stop you from immediately going on their profile which you had deliberately muted and spend the next hour catching up on the last year of their lives. Then you end up feeling lonely and inadequate and shitty. Just STOP. Sometimes we want to be big and decent people that feel happy for the happiness and new partners of people we dated. But you know what? It’s perfectly human to feel salty and slightly jealous that that person who you actually liked a whole lot more than you realized - and still think about (but who doesn’t deserve you!) - found a boo before you.
15. Pregnancy shoots / journeys
It’s amazing you feel radiant and beautiful while growing a human inside of you but I’m sorry, you’re not Queen Bey. Only Beyonce can get away with extravagant pregnancy photos, alrigth? Also, what is this need to share and livestream your pregnancy journey? Is it really necessary? I’ve been told pregnancy is a magical wonderful experience blah blah blah (not interested atm, thanks) but have you heard of a scrapbook? Like an actual blank book where you put hard copy photos of your belly and write down the milestones and all that good stuff that most of us are totally unimpressed with. You should give it a try!
If you think I hate everyone on social media, well you’re kinda right... Kidding! I love meme culture, impossibly chic tastemakers I want to be like, creative folk working on interesting cool projects, witty people who make fun of how we behave on social media, design accounts, food accounts, some travel accounts and so on.